the people that i was staying with in the mansion on the
hill were from northern europe and very stupid...not that
people from northern europe are generally less intelligent...in
fact , these two guys just may be the dumbest of the lot...they
would watch me toil in the garden all day long as they complained
about how hot it was...''fuck'', they would say...''it sure
is fuckin' hot''...i would try to pretend that i wasnt completely
pissed-off at the situation , but probably didnt fool
anyone...especially myself.
the problem with me is that i take life too personally...when
people are lazy... i feel that its because i did something
wrong...when they are angry with me its because i am a
bad person...i find it difficult to let things go...the
universe ebbs and flows... and people are saints and ass
holes...the entire thing usually has nothing to do with
me .
i am an extremely unique control freak...never controlling
peoples behavior...yet feeling that if i can be good enough
they will surely behave properly...they dont...so i keep
behaving better and better...until i eventually am totally
exhausted or have a nervous breakdown...if gods love cant
compel us into a better way of life then surely i dont
have a chance .
i pleaded for love as a child...i remember once after my
father beat my mother to the ground with his fists...he
summoned my brother to kick her as she remained motionless...they
both laughed like they were watching a richard pryor video...i
, at the age of seven or eight , looked on in horror...my
wounds go deeper...the first time i ever attempted suicide
i was six years old...i held my fathers hunting knife to
my throat and began to push the blade against my skin like
a stereo needle against the latest beatles album...it was
then that i heard gods voice for the first time...he told
me that it would be all right...god obviously didnt know
my father .
come night , the two ignorant little northern fellows and
myself , drank a few bottles of wine and talked about the
finer things in life...like how to rid your house of rats
and other such critters...and more importantly...how to
open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew...with an upside
down nail and a hammer we finally have success...these
guys were not that bad after all...they even believed in
the existence of big foot and alien life...what more could
you want in a casual conversation .
hill were from northern europe and very stupid...not that
people from northern europe are generally less intelligent...in
fact , these two guys just may be the dumbest of the lot...they
would watch me toil in the garden all day long as they complained
about how hot it was...''fuck'', they would say...''it sure
is fuckin' hot''...i would try to pretend that i wasnt completely
pissed-off at the situation , but probably didnt fool
anyone...especially myself.
the problem with me is that i take life too personally...when
people are lazy... i feel that its because i did something
wrong...when they are angry with me its because i am a
bad person...i find it difficult to let things go...the
universe ebbs and flows... and people are saints and ass
holes...the entire thing usually has nothing to do with
me .
i am an extremely unique control freak...never controlling
peoples behavior...yet feeling that if i can be good enough
they will surely behave properly...they dont...so i keep
behaving better and better...until i eventually am totally
exhausted or have a nervous breakdown...if gods love cant
compel us into a better way of life then surely i dont
have a chance .
i pleaded for love as a child...i remember once after my
father beat my mother to the ground with his fists...he
summoned my brother to kick her as she remained motionless...they
both laughed like they were watching a richard pryor video...i
, at the age of seven or eight , looked on in horror...my
wounds go deeper...the first time i ever attempted suicide
i was six years old...i held my fathers hunting knife to
my throat and began to push the blade against my skin like
a stereo needle against the latest beatles album...it was
then that i heard gods voice for the first time...he told
me that it would be all right...god obviously didnt know
my father .
come night , the two ignorant little northern fellows and
myself , drank a few bottles of wine and talked about the
finer things in life...like how to rid your house of rats
and other such critters...and more importantly...how to
open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew...with an upside
down nail and a hammer we finally have success...these
guys were not that bad after all...they even believed in
the existence of big foot and alien life...what more could
you want in a casual conversation .
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