there was this baptist ass hole...he wanted to argue with
me about...toilet paper...or something like that...all i
wanted to do was relax...right after i beat the shit out
of him...but good ministers dont do this kind of thing .
thirty minutes later , he wanted me to take his picture
on an island that i was beginning to consider somewhat sacred...as
he made the hundred meter walk...i cant tell you how tempted
i was to take a picture of my dick when he wasnt looking...i
laughed so hard that i cried just thinking about it.
our emotions arnt bad...its what we do with them that can
be potentially be bad...if we could just accept ourselves
as we are....we could embrace ourselves and then deal with
our entire personhood in a complete and wonderful way.
1 refused to hate myself for wanting to kill the ass hole...nor
for wanting to shock him...i simply allowed myself to feel
humble for my desires...it was a beautiful day...no one
should have the right to spoil that...i saw gods love...not
some ignorant prick that reminded me of those who destroyed
my joy some six or so years ago...i let the day go down
fine...by gods mercy.
feelings are just feelngs...maybe the gospel message is
simple love...not just others , but ourselves..shit...do
you really think you can love and accept others if you cant
love and accept yourself??? you cant give what you dont have...i
promise you .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Twenty-Nine
the buildings of monico reminded me of erect cocks...they
were a monument to mans desire to conquer and control...if
you had no money...you had no power...therefore...you werent
welcome in monaco.
so there was this crazy bitch who was obviously mentally
ill...i almost wanted to follow her to see how she would
be accepted in this fucked-up little town...i did not
however...i just continued on my journey.
the worst thing about money is that people think that they
can define their worth by having it...and the more that
they have...the better they are as people.
this allows for no growth at a11...if being rich makes you
good...then being a rich murderer makes you no better or
worse than a rich person who hasnt killed anyone.
if you are defined by any one quality...unless it is love...you
are fucked...nothing allows anyone to get away with anything...lets
put it this way...if you screw around on your wife...it
will hurt her...she will feel-and be-betrayed...even a trillion
dollars wont change that .
we look for reasons to define ourselves by something besides
what we really are...probably because we are all such fucking
idiots...what we dont realize is that this is fine...we
are idiots loved by god...and if we could disregard our
pride for even a second...we would see how beautiful that
this is.
the truth of the matter is that i left monico feeling like
i didnt belong...too bad...i feel that god makes people
rich to allow them the opportunity to give to others...where
has the world gone wrong...you may not realize it...but
this is really scary shit.
were a monument to mans desire to conquer and control...if
you had no money...you had no power...therefore...you werent
welcome in monaco.
so there was this crazy bitch who was obviously mentally
ill...i almost wanted to follow her to see how she would
be accepted in this fucked-up little town...i did not
however...i just continued on my journey.
the worst thing about money is that people think that they
can define their worth by having it...and the more that
they have...the better they are as people.
this allows for no growth at a11...if being rich makes you
good...then being a rich murderer makes you no better or
worse than a rich person who hasnt killed anyone.
if you are defined by any one quality...unless it is love...you
are fucked...nothing allows anyone to get away with anything...lets
put it this way...if you screw around on your wife...it
will hurt her...she will feel-and be-betrayed...even a trillion
dollars wont change that .
we look for reasons to define ourselves by something besides
what we really are...probably because we are all such fucking
idiots...what we dont realize is that this is fine...we
are idiots loved by god...and if we could disregard our
pride for even a second...we would see how beautiful that
this is.
the truth of the matter is that i left monico feeling like
i didnt belong...too bad...i feel that god makes people
rich to allow them the opportunity to give to others...where
has the world gone wrong...you may not realize it...but
this is really scary shit.
Bastard Windows: Chapter Twenty-Eight
indeed , the subject of teenage masturbation...the most
wonderful thing about it is that it can continue long after
you ''grow up"and enter adult land...sex without commitment
and responsibility...nobody has to pay...nobody gets hurt...nobody
goes away feeling unsure about the future with their partner...it
is no wonder the church disdains such practices...they cant
even tax it...and there are no babies being produced that
grow up and give them money...it must be a sin!!!
whereas god is concerned with allowing us to have free will
at great personal cost...the institution of religion seems
to be mainly concerned with control and manipulation...making
people do what they desire them to do for their benefit
, in one way or another...that is to say , for the most
part , religion is diametrically opposed to the teachings
of christ , as given to us in the books of the four gospels.
the dynamic of controlling another is , in a very profound
way , a form of cannibalism...the consuming of another for
what is perceived to be for ones benefit...only we distinguish
between flesh and soul...personally , id rather have someone
eat my body and put me out of my misery , than eat my soul...and
have me still physically alive , though inwardly dead.
do you know what the worst thing about jerking-off is??? its
doing it in the shower in cap di...there were no taps on
the showers...just some fucking reset button that had to
be...well...reset...it was about seven strokes of my dick
to every one push of the...thing...i personally believe
that this was designed by some religious fanatic that figured
he had some revelation from god to extinguish the demon
of masturbation...can you imagine how frustrating it must
be dedicating your life to the cause of getting people to
stop masturbating??? i wonder if you could get registered
as a non-profit charity??? can you imagine how
screwed up the board meetings would be???
wonderful thing about it is that it can continue long after
you ''grow up"and enter adult land...sex without commitment
and responsibility...nobody has to pay...nobody gets hurt...nobody
goes away feeling unsure about the future with their partner...it
is no wonder the church disdains such practices...they cant
even tax it...and there are no babies being produced that
grow up and give them money...it must be a sin!!!
whereas god is concerned with allowing us to have free will
at great personal cost...the institution of religion seems
to be mainly concerned with control and manipulation...making
people do what they desire them to do for their benefit
, in one way or another...that is to say , for the most
part , religion is diametrically opposed to the teachings
of christ , as given to us in the books of the four gospels.
the dynamic of controlling another is , in a very profound
way , a form of cannibalism...the consuming of another for
what is perceived to be for ones benefit...only we distinguish
between flesh and soul...personally , id rather have someone
eat my body and put me out of my misery , than eat my soul...and
have me still physically alive , though inwardly dead.
do you know what the worst thing about jerking-off is??? its
doing it in the shower in cap di...there were no taps on
the showers...just some fucking reset button that had to
be...well...reset...it was about seven strokes of my dick
to every one push of the...thing...i personally believe
that this was designed by some religious fanatic that figured
he had some revelation from god to extinguish the demon
of masturbation...can you imagine how frustrating it must
be dedicating your life to the cause of getting people to
stop masturbating??? i wonder if you could get registered
as a non-profit charity??? can you imagine how
screwed up the board meetings would be???
Bastard Windows: Chapter Twenty-Seven
walking on the topless beach...i noticed...tits...strange...i
kept on feeling somewhat compelled to compliment the ladies on their firmness , tenderness and even tan...yet
i was aware that this would have been a bad idea...in fact, i
felt that i wasnt supposed to even notice.
lets get it straight...if you go to a topless beach , then
people will notice your breasts...even if they swing in
the wind , or hang down to your knees...frig...especially
if they hang down to your knees.
it is not just the alcoholic that lives in denial...in fact
, everyone of us is there to one extent or another...choosing
to believe what we want to believe...truth fades into obscurity
and is feared any time it even attempts to come into the
general direction of the one who is disregarding it...
one of the few common denominators of virtually all of mankind
is that there is a feeling of fear and disdain for what
makes them feel uncomfortable...therefore the world of most
individuals consists of a series of avoidances of particular
truths that upset the particular individual.
in rich countries it is far worse...as money and even entertainment
can bring avoidance to a whole new level..the desire to
escape from reality that is birthed in the heart is made
manifest by means of buying , drugging or even hiding in
front of a movie screen...it is not a coincidence that entertainment
is a multi-billion dollar industry...the average person
watches three hours of TV. a day...even teenagers feel
compelled to masturbate while being visually stimulated...terrified
of their own thoughts to the extent that they must be replaced
by the images presented by others...sick fuckers for the
most part .
personally , if i am going to screw my life up...i would
like to do it myself...i will face my pain then run away
from it if i cant deal with it appropriately...yet it will
be mine...i will embrace it and discover its meaning...i
will attempt to deal with it...and if i cant...at least
i will know what is going on inside of me...and , over the
course of time , maybe there will be some progress made...maybe
not .
kept on feeling somewhat compelled to compliment the ladies on their firmness , tenderness and even tan...yet
i was aware that this would have been a bad idea...in fact, i
felt that i wasnt supposed to even notice.
lets get it straight...if you go to a topless beach , then
people will notice your breasts...even if they swing in
the wind , or hang down to your knees...frig...especially
if they hang down to your knees.
it is not just the alcoholic that lives in denial...in fact
, everyone of us is there to one extent or another...choosing
to believe what we want to believe...truth fades into obscurity
and is feared any time it even attempts to come into the
general direction of the one who is disregarding it...
one of the few common denominators of virtually all of mankind
is that there is a feeling of fear and disdain for what
makes them feel uncomfortable...therefore the world of most
individuals consists of a series of avoidances of particular
truths that upset the particular individual.
in rich countries it is far worse...as money and even entertainment
can bring avoidance to a whole new level..the desire to
escape from reality that is birthed in the heart is made
manifest by means of buying , drugging or even hiding in
front of a movie screen...it is not a coincidence that entertainment
is a multi-billion dollar industry...the average person
watches three hours of TV. a day...even teenagers feel
compelled to masturbate while being visually stimulated...terrified
of their own thoughts to the extent that they must be replaced
by the images presented by others...sick fuckers for the
most part .
personally , if i am going to screw my life up...i would
like to do it myself...i will face my pain then run away
from it if i cant deal with it appropriately...yet it will
be mine...i will embrace it and discover its meaning...i
will attempt to deal with it...and if i cant...at least
i will know what is going on inside of me...and , over the
course of time , maybe there will be some progress made...maybe
not .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Twenty-Six
having lunch with a pervert...bless his soul...who am i
to judge...talking , he does , of the prostitute who he
was soon to discover was a man...it aint hard to figure
out how this profound truth was learned.
the interesting thing about the act of sex is that every
society in the history of our planet has either glorified
it or condemned it to one extent or another ...strangely
enough , nobody seems aware that these extremes are the same
perversion .
the sad part is the poor bastard who takes either extreme
seriously...who believes that casual sex , with no love
, is an oak. idea...or actually believes the minister ,
when he screams from his podium , that his sexual drive
is completely ''under control"...that he is victorious over
''the flesh''...isnt lying completely.
the truth of the matter is that we are intensely sexual
beings...and these feelings will inevitably be explored
in one context or another...and there will be mistakes and
confusion along the way...as for those people who are pretending
to deny this...virtually every time they are the greatest
sexual criminals of us all...the deception builds a wall
of darkness that is unable to allow any light into the soul...the
result is a sickness...and the greater the sickness...the
greater the lies and condemning of others.
i could hardly finish my lunch...this did not make him a
bad person...i simply felt blessed that i wasnt that screwed
up within the context of my own sexuality...its like this...if
you say any word enough times...it slowly loses its meaning...and
if you screw anything you so desire...sex , too , will lose
its meaning...its not a matter of going to hell...or whatever...its
a matter of living a life with true meaning...with freshness
in every experience...sexual or otherwise .
i threw up right outside the dining quarters...customers
quietly walked away...the cook , for some strange reason
, thought that the whole thing was funny...we all laughed
and had another bottle of wine
to judge...talking , he does , of the prostitute who he
was soon to discover was a man...it aint hard to figure
out how this profound truth was learned.
the interesting thing about the act of sex is that every
society in the history of our planet has either glorified
it or condemned it to one extent or another ...strangely
enough , nobody seems aware that these extremes are the same
perversion .
the sad part is the poor bastard who takes either extreme
seriously...who believes that casual sex , with no love
, is an oak. idea...or actually believes the minister ,
when he screams from his podium , that his sexual drive
is completely ''under control"...that he is victorious over
''the flesh''...isnt lying completely.
the truth of the matter is that we are intensely sexual
beings...and these feelings will inevitably be explored
in one context or another...and there will be mistakes and
confusion along the way...as for those people who are pretending
to deny this...virtually every time they are the greatest
sexual criminals of us all...the deception builds a wall
of darkness that is unable to allow any light into the soul...the
result is a sickness...and the greater the sickness...the
greater the lies and condemning of others.
i could hardly finish my lunch...this did not make him a
bad person...i simply felt blessed that i wasnt that screwed
up within the context of my own sexuality...its like this...if
you say any word enough times...it slowly loses its meaning...and
if you screw anything you so desire...sex , too , will lose
its meaning...its not a matter of going to hell...or whatever...its
a matter of living a life with true meaning...with freshness
in every experience...sexual or otherwise .
i threw up right outside the dining quarters...customers
quietly walked away...the cook , for some strange reason
, thought that the whole thing was funny...we all laughed
and had another bottle of wine
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