chapter 45

speaking of horses...eventually i took this young , beautiful
lady to the local pub for a feed of horse steak and a few
bottles of wine ...(the beautiful thing about eating an
animal is that you dont have to see it before it is butchered...nor
do you befriend it...nor does it speak english...so it cant
tell you how little it enjoys being eaten...maybe , even
, if each steak came with a picture of the animal dancing
in the field , playing with all the other little furry creatures...our
diets would change .)

half way into the date she began to tell me all about her
revelations from god...how she was to the place of unconditional
love , acceptance and forgiveness...that there was nothing
one could tell her about them that she couldnt accept...
eventually i decided to take her at her word...)i began to
tell her my deepest and darkest secrets...which were really
not very interesting , actually...she never talked to me
again.

for whatever reason i was feeling very self assured on that
particular night...there was a conference back at the religious
base where i was staying...coincidentally , their theme
of the night was transparency...i decided to dump the same
shit on them that i had dropped on my date only an hour
before...the only difference was that , this time , the steak
was being digested opposed to being eaten.

there is an expression that goes... "everyone wants to go
to heaven , no one wants to die''...i heard it in a movie
once...the same is true with acceptance...everyone wants
to be accepted...very few want to accept .

this dynamic begs us to ask the question...when people say
that they love you , do they mean that they , indeed , love
you ??? or do they mean that they love the way you are making
them feel about themselves at that particular moment in
time??? for most people life is simply about them...people
are , in fact , dehumanized to the extent that there importance
is only relative to what they can do for them.

the worst part is the bullshit...if people would just be
honest of their intentions...the narcissism wouldnt be so
poisonous...but , then again , what self centered person
sees themselves as such...alcoholics dont even see themselves
as alcoholics...even with physical evidence of their addiction
being cradled in their right hand