chapter 24

every day would begin with a two hour walk and prayer...attempting
to mend and heal this person that i have become...it was on
day two , i believe , in my stay at cap di...that i suddenly
had an acute revelation of what i had recently been through...
after a four year battle with depression and a three year
battle with post dramatic stress disorder...i , in 1999
, attempted suicide and spent three days in a coma-like
situation...fuck...it seems so clear to me now how horrible
that time was in my life...for the first time i feel that
it is far enough away from me that i can really take a close
look at what actually happened...there seems to be nothing
to do but cry .

i am not ashamed of what tried to do to myself...people
judge people that have been in my situation out of fear
and pride...to have been rejected and beaten since the day
i was born was easy for me to overcome...unlike any other
person that i have ever met , in fact...two dozen fatal
afflictions...learning disabilities...my brother disowning
me then dying...broken relationships and lovers betrayal
, etc...it was just shit that had to be overcome...fuck
it...it didnt matter...it was what happened to me in the
confines of institutionalized religion that caused me to
lose myself fully and completely...i believed in organized
religion , and it saw me as a means to an end...when i didnt
produce...they took away my life.

its so easy to kill people when you dont believe them to
be human...and thats what we do to each other...we dehumanize
...so we can destroy...it is commonly referred
to as narcissism...and it aint healthy .

i completed my walk and then ate a pizza with some friends
that i had met the day before...my tears were dry and it
was time to enjoy france with some really interesting folk...indeed
, the more of pain that you have seen...the more that life
can be enjoyed .