after a brief interlude in nice...i eventually made my way
to the international airport...and there was my friend ,
ryan...the young man that i had spent my first ten days
with in this holy land.
i remember us watching the world soccer tourney on a large
outdoor silver screen...some oriental gentleman , staggering
aimlessly in the middle of the outside forum...dancing like
a retarded member of the jackson clan...the one that was
slightly more weird than michael...i donated to him a beer
just before he began to piss in front of five hundred people...the
crowed went on like it was a rolling stones concert...they
thought it was funny too...i, then , was funny by proxy...the
urine , pouring out like water in a catholic baptismal...right
after the priest , in the middle of a nervous breakdown...
threw a dozen or so cats in the middle of the tank .
the plane took off with ry and i inside...none of this riding
on the wing shit...then i said to myself : ''wait a minute...this
isnt a normal window...its one of those bastard windows...there
aint no humans alive anymore that look out real windows...and
i am not the only one...this , indeed , is a bastard window”.
we are all profoundly separated from the only real source
of love in the universe...and only some even attempt to
actually embrace it...that is to say...we are all , in a
very profound sense of the word , bastards...and the only
ones that pretend that there isnt this sad and tragic separation
are liars .
the most interesting aspect of this dynamic is that , the
closer to the truth one , in fact , is...the more humble
and aware they are that they are very separated from love
eternal...it is only those who are a profound distance away
from god who even begin to believe that they are somehow
doing just fine...in other words...if you know god at all...you
know that you aint he...or even close.
it is time to simply love and accept each other for who
we really are...disregarding all which makes us feel uncomfortable...all
that we fear for such arbitrary and self-seeking reasons...we
are all lost souls with pieces missing...killng ourselves
by pretending that this is not the situation...fuck it all...short
of some form of abuse...just love and embrace...leaving
our pride and fear behind.
i was leaving my life and my new found love behind...and
going to another life and another love...shit...i guess
i am just some kind of slut...but my indulgence is of an
eternal quality...to all you sluts out there...you are really
close to the truth...closer than the church , definitely...just
remember that love always desires to give at least as much
as it takes...and the rest will work out just fine .
i was about to touch down in halifax , canada...one more
sip of wine...it was time to give others what i have learned
over the last three and a half months...my desire was to
make it all somewhat funny...people love funny!!!
Bastard Windows: Chapter Fourty-Eight
it was the last supper , so to speak , before my train left
this wonderful place and took me back to the airport...the
wine , the meal , my wonderful female companion...i couldnt
help but feel why would such an imperfect person have such
a perfect night.
at ten to twelve we were at the train station...our lips
met and joined like two states of the U.S.S.R...before everything
went to shit...i fondled one breast and licked the other
as the train thrusted itself into the station...reminding
me of very similar thoughts that i had in the back and front of
my mind...we kissed and said good-by .
you begin to think of a hell of a lot of things as you see
your life pass before your eyes...and it doesnt have to
be a literal thing...leaving your beloved home for the last
ninety nine days is as close to death as you have to experience
, actually...fuck...i loved almost everyone that a met more
than i could possibly say...this was life...fully and completely.
i have discovered that it is easy to love people very intensely...as
long as you dont get to know them very well...and this is
not a criticism of the human race...it is just an observation
of the limitations that most people place upon themselves...for
example...the young lady who i was loving during the last
few days of my stay in europe...she had a beautiful heart and
she also had never grown up...to live with her would have
been self-destructive.
a priest who spent most of his fifty years of priesthood
was asked what he has learned about people...he replied
...”two things...people are very unhappy with their lives
...and that they dont grow up'' .
most people dont ever even reach puberty , on an emotional
level...so they dont know the joy of love...they cant...how
in the fuck can they when they think that relationships
are all about what they can get for themselves??? i am quite
the asshole in many respects...but i have grown up and
am loving people who have had the same accomplishment...it
is more wonderful than words can say...a person that can
truly love...can live more in one day than most could ever
in a thousand years...literally .
this wonderful place and took me back to the airport...the
wine , the meal , my wonderful female companion...i couldnt
help but feel why would such an imperfect person have such
a perfect night.
at ten to twelve we were at the train station...our lips
met and joined like two states of the U.S.S.R...before everything
went to shit...i fondled one breast and licked the other
as the train thrusted itself into the station...reminding
me of very similar thoughts that i had in the back and front of
my mind...we kissed and said good-by .
you begin to think of a hell of a lot of things as you see
your life pass before your eyes...and it doesnt have to
be a literal thing...leaving your beloved home for the last
ninety nine days is as close to death as you have to experience
, actually...fuck...i loved almost everyone that a met more
than i could possibly say...this was life...fully and completely.
i have discovered that it is easy to love people very intensely...as
long as you dont get to know them very well...and this is
not a criticism of the human race...it is just an observation
of the limitations that most people place upon themselves...for
example...the young lady who i was loving during the last
few days of my stay in europe...she had a beautiful heart and
she also had never grown up...to live with her would have
been self-destructive.
a priest who spent most of his fifty years of priesthood
was asked what he has learned about people...he replied
...”two things...people are very unhappy with their lives
...and that they dont grow up'' .
most people dont ever even reach puberty , on an emotional
level...so they dont know the joy of love...they cant...how
in the fuck can they when they think that relationships
are all about what they can get for themselves??? i am quite
the asshole in many respects...but i have grown up and
am loving people who have had the same accomplishment...it
is more wonderful than words can say...a person that can
truly love...can live more in one day than most could ever
in a thousand years...literally .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Fourty-Seven
i was back at cap di again...only ten miles from the nice
airport...i spent the last three days on the nude beach
with a beautiful young lady from paris...we drank together
every night and swam and talked during the day time...the
only thing deeper than her feelings were her needs...this
she did not know...so she couldn't do anything about it .
at two in the morning this huge french man came bursting
into”the dorm”...looking to harass someone...or , maybe , kill...after
five minutes of his hollering , i felt that it was time
to put an end to all of his bullshit...i said politely :”please
put an end to your bullshit”...with that he became enraged...and
within a few seconds...so did i.
i positioned my weight almost perfectly...i knew he was
slow , so i didnt mind taking the time to set him up for
a right hook to the side of the jaw...it was going to shatter
like a glass , being thrown at a retard behind a barb wire
fence...doing a hank williams impression in a road side
bar somewhere in southern georgia....i felt my weight move
forward...then suddenly , the lights were off...nobody turned
them off...it happened by themselves .
i remember walking down a particular street in the city
where i live...i was thinking about an individual that had
attempted to destroy my life just a few week before...i
was enraged as i thought about him...then god said to me...”you
are going to see this person in two minutes time”...as he
appeared on the horizon...my heart was suddenly filled with
love and compassion...it wasnt mine , however , this was
clear to me...it came from something far more merciful and
gentle than i could ever possibly be...it was , indeed ,
divine in nature.
this time was different...so there was a different sort
of miracle...i am afraid of my violent potential...i hope
and pray that god will continue to be with me in such circumstances.
the next morning...as i began my last day in europe...i
was the hero in the hostel...all the pretty young ladies
gave me their pancakes for saving their boyfriends the night
before...as for the young man who caused all the trouble...lets
just say that the innkeeper weighed four hundred pounds...and
could throw two hundred and twenty pounds of shit even farther
than i could.
airport...i spent the last three days on the nude beach
with a beautiful young lady from paris...we drank together
every night and swam and talked during the day time...the
only thing deeper than her feelings were her needs...this
she did not know...so she couldn't do anything about it .
at two in the morning this huge french man came bursting
into”the dorm”...looking to harass someone...or , maybe , kill...after
five minutes of his hollering , i felt that it was time
to put an end to all of his bullshit...i said politely :”please
put an end to your bullshit”...with that he became enraged...and
within a few seconds...so did i.
i positioned my weight almost perfectly...i knew he was
slow , so i didnt mind taking the time to set him up for
a right hook to the side of the jaw...it was going to shatter
like a glass , being thrown at a retard behind a barb wire
fence...doing a hank williams impression in a road side
bar somewhere in southern georgia....i felt my weight move
forward...then suddenly , the lights were off...nobody turned
them off...it happened by themselves .
i remember walking down a particular street in the city
where i live...i was thinking about an individual that had
attempted to destroy my life just a few week before...i
was enraged as i thought about him...then god said to me...”you
are going to see this person in two minutes time”...as he
appeared on the horizon...my heart was suddenly filled with
love and compassion...it wasnt mine , however , this was
clear to me...it came from something far more merciful and
gentle than i could ever possibly be...it was , indeed ,
divine in nature.
this time was different...so there was a different sort
of miracle...i am afraid of my violent potential...i hope
and pray that god will continue to be with me in such circumstances.
the next morning...as i began my last day in europe...i
was the hero in the hostel...all the pretty young ladies
gave me their pancakes for saving their boyfriends the night
before...as for the young man who caused all the trouble...lets
just say that the innkeeper weighed four hundred pounds...and
could throw two hundred and twenty pounds of shit even farther
than i could.
Bastard Windows: Chapter Fourty-Six
after a month of virtually non-eventful institutionalized
religion...it was time to go home...chamonix...where there
were broken people just like me...people who would admit
that having a tit in your mouth was at least as pleasurable
as prayer...people who would make an ass of themselves and
still be accepted...as there was no stupid jerked-off law
to be used as a weapon against them in weaker moments...my
only problem with the french alps was that they were so
perfect...and i...a sinner.
the proprietor took me down hill bicycling...and these were
really big fucking hills , baby...i left a trail of piss
as i went down the mountain at fifty miles an hour or so...not
bad for a minister , a nude model-i havent mentioned that
, have i-and a poet...and then we went back to the lodge
and smoked ourselves a couple of joints...the end of a perfect
day .
have you ever seen the french alps...not those fucking swiss
ones...stoned on grass??? i dont even like grass that much...but
i still consider the experience to be beyond what most people
experience in a life time...i embraced the moment like an
infant her mothers smile...i was alive...and after you have
had dozens of near death experiences...that begins to mean
more than you can possibly say.
the most beautiful thing about having an abusive childhood
is that , if you ever deal with all that shit...then suddenly
life has a whole new meaning...i can embrace life...because
i have embraced death in a way that most-i pray-never experience.
i was about to go back to canada...i knew that i may never
see these people again...so i loved them as much as i could
in the two days that i was there...fuck...all you can take
to heaven is the love you make here in retard land...so
be poor and stupid , if you so desire...but dont miss the
time to love...it is what life is all about...there is nothing
else!!!
my friends and i ate at my favorite italian diner...the
food was beautiful...the proprietor even allowed me to enter
with my own extremely huge beer...it was all so real and
wonderful...then my train arrived...and i was gone...yet
love is eternal...so my time in charmonix will , until the
end , send shock waves throughout the universe...in fact
, any act of love is larger that the universe...we believe
this is not so...because we believe lies.
religion...it was time to go home...chamonix...where there
were broken people just like me...people who would admit
that having a tit in your mouth was at least as pleasurable
as prayer...people who would make an ass of themselves and
still be accepted...as there was no stupid jerked-off law
to be used as a weapon against them in weaker moments...my
only problem with the french alps was that they were so
perfect...and i...a sinner.
the proprietor took me down hill bicycling...and these were
really big fucking hills , baby...i left a trail of piss
as i went down the mountain at fifty miles an hour or so...not
bad for a minister , a nude model-i havent mentioned that
, have i-and a poet...and then we went back to the lodge
and smoked ourselves a couple of joints...the end of a perfect
day .
have you ever seen the french alps...not those fucking swiss
ones...stoned on grass??? i dont even like grass that much...but
i still consider the experience to be beyond what most people
experience in a life time...i embraced the moment like an
infant her mothers smile...i was alive...and after you have
had dozens of near death experiences...that begins to mean
more than you can possibly say.
the most beautiful thing about having an abusive childhood
is that , if you ever deal with all that shit...then suddenly
life has a whole new meaning...i can embrace life...because
i have embraced death in a way that most-i pray-never experience.
i was about to go back to canada...i knew that i may never
see these people again...so i loved them as much as i could
in the two days that i was there...fuck...all you can take
to heaven is the love you make here in retard land...so
be poor and stupid , if you so desire...but dont miss the
time to love...it is what life is all about...there is nothing
else!!!
my friends and i ate at my favorite italian diner...the
food was beautiful...the proprietor even allowed me to enter
with my own extremely huge beer...it was all so real and
wonderful...then my train arrived...and i was gone...yet
love is eternal...so my time in charmonix will , until the
end , send shock waves throughout the universe...in fact
, any act of love is larger that the universe...we believe
this is not so...because we believe lies.
Bastard Windows: Chapter Fourty-Five
speaking of horses...eventually i took this young , beautiful
lady to the local pub for a feed of horse steak and a few
bottles of wine ...(the beautiful thing about eating an
animal is that you dont have to see it before it is butchered...nor
do you befriend it...nor does it speak english...so it cant
tell you how little it enjoys being eaten...maybe , even
, if each steak came with a picture of the animal dancing
in the field , playing with all the other little furry creatures...our
diets would change .)
half way into the date she began to tell me all about her
revelations from god...how she was to the place of unconditional
love , acceptance and forgiveness...that there was nothing
one could tell her about them that she couldnt accept...
eventually i decided to take her at her word...)i began to
tell her my deepest and darkest secrets...which were really
not very interesting , actually...she never talked to me
again.
for whatever reason i was feeling very self assured on that
particular night...there was a conference back at the religious
base where i was staying...coincidentally , their theme
of the night was transparency...i decided to dump the same
shit on them that i had dropped on my date only an hour
before...the only difference was that , this time , the steak
was being digested opposed to being eaten.
there is an expression that goes... "everyone wants to go
to heaven , no one wants to die''...i heard it in a movie
once...the same is true with acceptance...everyone wants
to be accepted...very few want to accept .
this dynamic begs us to ask the question...when people say
that they love you , do they mean that they , indeed , love
you ??? or do they mean that they love the way you are making
them feel about themselves at that particular moment in
time??? for most people life is simply about them...people
are , in fact , dehumanized to the extent that there importance
is only relative to what they can do for them.
the worst part is the bullshit...if people would just be
honest of their intentions...the narcissism wouldnt be so
poisonous...but , then again , what self centered person
sees themselves as such...alcoholics dont even see themselves
as alcoholics...even with physical evidence of their addiction
being cradled in their right hand .
lady to the local pub for a feed of horse steak and a few
bottles of wine ...(the beautiful thing about eating an
animal is that you dont have to see it before it is butchered...nor
do you befriend it...nor does it speak english...so it cant
tell you how little it enjoys being eaten...maybe , even
, if each steak came with a picture of the animal dancing
in the field , playing with all the other little furry creatures...our
diets would change .)
half way into the date she began to tell me all about her
revelations from god...how she was to the place of unconditional
love , acceptance and forgiveness...that there was nothing
one could tell her about them that she couldnt accept...
eventually i decided to take her at her word...)i began to
tell her my deepest and darkest secrets...which were really
not very interesting , actually...she never talked to me
again.
for whatever reason i was feeling very self assured on that
particular night...there was a conference back at the religious
base where i was staying...coincidentally , their theme
of the night was transparency...i decided to dump the same
shit on them that i had dropped on my date only an hour
before...the only difference was that , this time , the steak
was being digested opposed to being eaten.
there is an expression that goes... "everyone wants to go
to heaven , no one wants to die''...i heard it in a movie
once...the same is true with acceptance...everyone wants
to be accepted...very few want to accept .
this dynamic begs us to ask the question...when people say
that they love you , do they mean that they , indeed , love
you ??? or do they mean that they love the way you are making
them feel about themselves at that particular moment in
time??? for most people life is simply about them...people
are , in fact , dehumanized to the extent that there importance
is only relative to what they can do for them.
the worst part is the bullshit...if people would just be
honest of their intentions...the narcissism wouldnt be so
poisonous...but , then again , what self centered person
sees themselves as such...alcoholics dont even see themselves
as alcoholics...even with physical evidence of their addiction
being cradled in their right hand .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Fourty-Four
two weeks into my exile to the place of titless secretaries...ill
refer to it as sagland...i began to make friends with a
horse on a nearby farm...every day he came closer and closer
to me...watching my every move...desiring to love me...yet
still being afraid...possibly because of some past hurt
regarding a neighborhood child...or , maybe , someone he
loved died...and he was never to fully recover .
it was a night in late august that it finally happened...he
reached his beautiful , soft , gentle nose over the wire
fence for me to embrace the moment and show him the love
that he so desperately needed...my hand touched in between
his soft , kind eyes...and my elbow hit the electric fence
at the same time...a bolt of lightning shot up into the
crisp and clear late night sky...the horse ran in one direction...i
in the exact opposite...we stopped and turned and looked
at each other at exactly the same time...'' i am so sorry
'', i said...being a horse he couldnt respond in the way
he so wanted to...but i knew that 1ook...'' fuck you “, was
clearly the message that i was receiving...( he didnt know
how to do the volcan mind melt...but he clearly perfected
the next best thing .)
it can take years to develop trust with someone...but it
can be destroyed in a moment...one unkind word and it can
be all over...what a concept.
being physical entities , it is effort to embrace what is
beautiful and real...the spiritual...it goes against our
nature...the lusts of the flesh , or what ever you want
to refer to it as...love , gentleness , trust, goodness
and such...we must tear apart the fabric of the physical
plain on which we live and reach into eternity to achieve
these things...and only then thru god himself compelling
us to can we truly reach the pure dynamic of love .
i lost my friend the horse because of something i couldnt
control...fuck...nobody can really control anything though...it
was the illusion of control that i lost...so the horse went
one way and i another...but sometimes farther and farther
is only our perception...maybe its really closer and closer...i
just cant see it from my profoundly limited perspective .
refer to it as sagland...i began to make friends with a
horse on a nearby farm...every day he came closer and closer
to me...watching my every move...desiring to love me...yet
still being afraid...possibly because of some past hurt
regarding a neighborhood child...or , maybe , someone he
loved died...and he was never to fully recover .
it was a night in late august that it finally happened...he
reached his beautiful , soft , gentle nose over the wire
fence for me to embrace the moment and show him the love
that he so desperately needed...my hand touched in between
his soft , kind eyes...and my elbow hit the electric fence
at the same time...a bolt of lightning shot up into the
crisp and clear late night sky...the horse ran in one direction...i
in the exact opposite...we stopped and turned and looked
at each other at exactly the same time...'' i am so sorry
'', i said...being a horse he couldnt respond in the way
he so wanted to...but i knew that 1ook...'' fuck you “, was
clearly the message that i was receiving...( he didnt know
how to do the volcan mind melt...but he clearly perfected
the next best thing .)
it can take years to develop trust with someone...but it
can be destroyed in a moment...one unkind word and it can
be all over...what a concept.
being physical entities , it is effort to embrace what is
beautiful and real...the spiritual...it goes against our
nature...the lusts of the flesh , or what ever you want
to refer to it as...love , gentleness , trust, goodness
and such...we must tear apart the fabric of the physical
plain on which we live and reach into eternity to achieve
these things...and only then thru god himself compelling
us to can we truly reach the pure dynamic of love .
i lost my friend the horse because of something i couldnt
control...fuck...nobody can really control anything though...it
was the illusion of control that i lost...so the horse went
one way and i another...but sometimes farther and farther
is only our perception...maybe its really closer and closer...i
just cant see it from my profoundly limited perspective .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Fourty-Three
i got off the train in lousanne...and began to walk up a
steep hill to my somewhat ambiguous destination...for the
last week l had been having visions of seeing a boy killed
on a bicycle...i had been hoping that it was my imagination...it
wasnt.
as the car hit the teen , i turned to see him being thrust-ed
thru the air some twenty feet or so...i could almost see
my reflection in the pool of blood...he panted heavily like
a rabbit in a trap...just about to take his last breath...i
prayed and walked away...sure that the child was soon to
die.
i had spent the first eight years of my life being beaten
by my father...my brother disowned me when i became a follower
of jesus...the next time i was to see him was in a small
box...he had drowned...i have had over two dozen potentially
fatal afflictions...i once had a skin problem so profound
that , at times , i couldnt even identify myself...i have
had religious authorities attempt to brutally destroy my
life because i wouldnt adhere to their idiotic theology
and doctrines of manipulation and control...ive had two
nervous breakdowns...a four year depression...post dramatic
stress...a suicide attempt and a coinciding three day semi-coma...ive
had two failed engagements...and , worst of all
, ive been separated from those that i loved the most...fuck...should
i continue??? i mean , how am i to feel when someone is killed
in front of me??? i find the sadness of life so hard to deal
with since my depression...and that is why i traveled europe...to
replace the sadness with joy...and then i see i dying child
on the road side.
a human is no greater than what he has to overcome...i am
my experiences , and i will embrace life as much as i possibly
can...i remember a motorcycle accident that i had when i
was twenty five...flying through the air , i thought to
myself...”look , ma , i am flying ''.
in lousanne i began to date the secretary of the religious
compound where i was staying...i dont think they appreciated
that very much...so god told them to send me to where the
secretaries didn't have such nice tits...and i think that
god said something about the asses too...but i forget .
steep hill to my somewhat ambiguous destination...for the
last week l had been having visions of seeing a boy killed
on a bicycle...i had been hoping that it was my imagination...it
wasnt.
as the car hit the teen , i turned to see him being thrust-ed
thru the air some twenty feet or so...i could almost see
my reflection in the pool of blood...he panted heavily like
a rabbit in a trap...just about to take his last breath...i
prayed and walked away...sure that the child was soon to
die.
i had spent the first eight years of my life being beaten
by my father...my brother disowned me when i became a follower
of jesus...the next time i was to see him was in a small
box...he had drowned...i have had over two dozen potentially
fatal afflictions...i once had a skin problem so profound
that , at times , i couldnt even identify myself...i have
had religious authorities attempt to brutally destroy my
life because i wouldnt adhere to their idiotic theology
and doctrines of manipulation and control...ive had two
nervous breakdowns...a four year depression...post dramatic
stress...a suicide attempt and a coinciding three day semi-coma...ive
had two failed engagements...and , worst of all
, ive been separated from those that i loved the most...fuck...should
i continue??? i mean , how am i to feel when someone is killed
in front of me??? i find the sadness of life so hard to deal
with since my depression...and that is why i traveled europe...to
replace the sadness with joy...and then i see i dying child
on the road side.
a human is no greater than what he has to overcome...i am
my experiences , and i will embrace life as much as i possibly
can...i remember a motorcycle accident that i had when i
was twenty five...flying through the air , i thought to
myself...”look , ma , i am flying ''.
in lousanne i began to date the secretary of the religious
compound where i was staying...i dont think they appreciated
that very much...so god told them to send me to where the
secretaries didn't have such nice tits...and i think that
god said something about the asses too...but i forget .
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