chapter 49

after a brief interlude in nice...i eventually made my way
to the international airport...and there was my friend ,
ryan...the young man that i had spent my first ten days
with in this holy land.

i remember us watching the world soccer tourney on a large
outdoor silver screen...some oriental gentleman , staggering
aimlessly in the middle of the outside forum...dancing like
a retarded member of the jackson clan...the one that was
slightly more weird than michael...i donated to him a beer
just before he began to piss in front of five hundred people...the
crowed went on like it was a rolling stones concert...they
thought it was funny too...i, then , was funny by proxy...the
urine , pouring out like water in a catholic baptismal...right
after the priest , in the middle of a nervous breakdown...
threw a dozen or so cats in the middle of the tank .

the plane took off with ry and i inside...none of this riding
on the wing shit...then i said to myself : ''wait a minute...this
isnt a normal window...its one of those bastard windows...there
aint no humans alive anymore that look out real windows...and
i am not the only one...this , indeed , is a bastard window”.

we are all profoundly separated from the only real source
of love in the universe...and only some even attempt to
actually embrace it...that is to say...we are all , in a
very profound sense of the word , bastards...and the only
ones that pretend that there isnt this sad and tragic separation
are liars .

the most interesting aspect of this dynamic is that , the
closer to the truth one , in fact , is...the more humble
and aware they are that they are very separated from love
eternal...it is only those who are a profound distance away
from god who even begin to believe that they are somehow
doing just fine...in other words...if you know god at all...you
know that you aint he...or even close.

it is time to simply love and accept each other for who
we really are...disregarding all which makes us feel uncomfortable...all
that we fear for such arbitrary and self-seeking reasons...we
are all lost souls with pieces missing...killng ourselves
by pretending that this is not the situation...fuck it all...short
of some form of abuse...just love and embrace...leaving
our pride and fear behind.
i was leaving my life and my new found love behind...and
going to another life and another love...shit...i guess
i am just some kind of slut...but my indulgence is of an
eternal quality...to all you sluts out there...you are really
close to the truth...closer than the church , definitely...just
remember that love always desires to give at least as much
as it takes...and the rest will work out just fine .
i was about to touch down in halifax , canada...one more
sip of wine...it was time to give others what i have learned
over the last three and a half months...my desire was to
make it all somewhat funny...people love funny!!!