chapter 13

it was about four in the morning that froggie woke me from
my sleep...and he wasnt the kind of dildo that would wake
someone up just to tell him that he should be asleep either...indeed
not...froggie woke me to tell me something really important....that
he had drank my pint of rum...this did not bother me...what
did however was what followed...froggie proceeded to introduce
me to his new found drinking partner...this fellow looked
like a very nice fellow...but only because nice really means-
if you understand greek-ignorant and stupid-which would
have been his good qualities...this man was extremely dangerous...i
felt somewhat afraid and that i had lost control.

control is such an interesting thing...we all desire it
so much yet none of us have it...in fact , the closest
we can ever achieve is the illusion of control...that is
fucking ourselves around in our heads to such an extent
that we feel secure as a result of our own endeavors.

i once tried to help an old lady down a flight of stairs
with her groceries...she would not allow me to , however
, as she wanted to make sure that i did not attempt to take
her purse and run away laughing at her as i went...what
she failed to realize is that i could have waltzed up to
her , taken the purse out of her hands...shoved her lipstick
up her ass...crawled away on my knees...and there wouldnt
have been a thing that she could have done about it.

she did nothing to circumvent a potential situation...what
she did was create an illusion of control...passing on the
possibility of a new friendship simply so she could pretend
that she was safe .

i didnt fear too much over my friends new convict travel
companion...i truly believed that god would either protect
me or that i was destined for conflict...which meant that
fuck-face was probably going to be thrown off the train
into an unsuspecting patch of grapes...non-the-less...to
embrace reality is to feel completely insecure regarding
your safety within this universe...yet reality also points
to the existence of a god who , unlike us humans , is in
control...and ours is to just let it happen...to relax and
suck life in as it unfolds...knowing that there is a far
greater order to things than the disorder inside our heads.