maybe i am not as intelligent as i think i am...however...if
there are two courtesy packages of shampoo in the washroom
and one person has taken both of them...does not that mean
that he received more shampoo than the other person??? indeed
, froggy took my shampoo...the math suggests as much...thank
god i have my grade six education.
i wonder sometimes how we are seen from heaven...do the
honest look rich...even though they may be poor??? does your
hair still shine...even though the shampoo that you washed
with is stolen from a clergy man??? it is my considered opinion
that what we see with our eyes...what we smell with our
noses...has nothing to do with the real state of this cosmic
thing that we refer to as earth.
if , in fact , god is who he claims to be...and is spirit
, at least in essence...then we have to conclude that spirit
is more real than flesh...that we are living in the shadow
of something more real than...probably we could ever imagine...
maybe everything around us is a reflection of who we are
inside...maybe , at times , riches of this earth is no more
than a curse...seen through spiritual eyes as a trap that
one falls into to isolate one from the true meaning of
life...love and relationships with each other...at times
,maybe being poor is gods blessing...having mercy
upon us to such an extent that he doesnt allow things to
wedge themselves in between us and those who we are supposed
to be in love with.
i watch and confess even the slightest negativity that i
have towards my fellow humans...i believe that my energy
will take me on a path and lead me into a direction that
is congruent with who i am...not who i think i am...nor
who i convinced others that i am...my true self demands
to find a path that it is familiar with...and it doesnt
give a shit if my mind and intellect are aware of its reality
or not .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Seventeen
froggy and l were in st. john de la luz...rum and coke is
such a beautiful thing...froggy had been informed that his
money supply was gone...i felt so badly for him that i gave
him the last sip of rum...he was to hop on the lily pad
of life back to the great white north...i slept with my
wallet in my underwear...just in case froggy was a thief...with
my luck he would be a homosexual thief...who likes to take
peoples underwear as well as their money.
someone once said that most people spend their lives living
in quiet desperation...hiding themselves from the world...afraid
of rejection at every corner...quite interesting , is it
not??? i mean , it is not until we are known for who we really are that we can actually experience acceptance...yet we
see our reputation as more important than the possibility
of love .
i assume that we dont see the possibility of real love as
very important...that status and money are what matters...funny
that...jesus said that some day all will be gone but faith
hope and love...yet we still dont see it as very significant.
first of all...who will succeed if they are known for who
they really are??? ! mean, what wife wants to hear from their
husband that they are a coward who would rather masturbate
than have sex with them??? that is , the brutality of honesty
doesnt seem to work.
to begin with... not too many people are smart enough to
realize that , if their husband was honest...it would mean
that they have one of the few alive...they would only compare
them with the status quo and conclude that they got fucked
on the deal...i! mean...an honest person looks like the worst
the lot...if you dont play the game...you lose .
i am indeed aware that the easy answer for building walls
around us is pride...god knows we are all full of it...yet
pride is too easy...and everyone knows that we all desire
to consider our selves better than the next person...fuck
it...life is more complicated than that , anyway...honesty
convicts us...and no one will say other wise...virtually
all have their wallet some where between their cock and
underwear...the only difference is...mine aint metaphoric...god
bless froggy...i am just paranoid...i know that the little
fucker wouldnt steal from me... he is too drunk to think of
it anyway .
such a beautiful thing...froggy had been informed that his
money supply was gone...i felt so badly for him that i gave
him the last sip of rum...he was to hop on the lily pad
of life back to the great white north...i slept with my
wallet in my underwear...just in case froggy was a thief...with
my luck he would be a homosexual thief...who likes to take
peoples underwear as well as their money.
someone once said that most people spend their lives living
in quiet desperation...hiding themselves from the world...afraid
of rejection at every corner...quite interesting , is it
not??? i mean , it is not until we are known for who we really are that we can actually experience acceptance...yet we
see our reputation as more important than the possibility
of love .
i assume that we dont see the possibility of real love as
very important...that status and money are what matters...funny
that...jesus said that some day all will be gone but faith
hope and love...yet we still dont see it as very significant.
first of all...who will succeed if they are known for who
they really are??? ! mean, what wife wants to hear from their
husband that they are a coward who would rather masturbate
than have sex with them??? that is , the brutality of honesty
doesnt seem to work.
to begin with... not too many people are smart enough to
realize that , if their husband was honest...it would mean
that they have one of the few alive...they would only compare
them with the status quo and conclude that they got fucked
on the deal...i! mean...an honest person looks like the worst
the lot...if you dont play the game...you lose .
i am indeed aware that the easy answer for building walls
around us is pride...god knows we are all full of it...yet
pride is too easy...and everyone knows that we all desire
to consider our selves better than the next person...fuck
it...life is more complicated than that , anyway...honesty
convicts us...and no one will say other wise...virtually
all have their wallet some where between their cock and
underwear...the only difference is...mine aint metaphoric...god
bless froggy...i am just paranoid...i know that the little
fucker wouldnt steal from me... he is too drunk to think of
it anyway .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Sixteen
as we meandered down the streets of san sabastian...we realized
that something was very wrong...it was difficult to discern
at first , but as the day licked its way into the noon hour
, froggy finally figured it out...it was salami and wine
time...(whenever i think of salami , i think of sex...my
first girlfriend would always eat german salami and cheap
cheese as she fidgeted with my nuts...i still dont know
why).
an old spanish blue hair troll-troll means dignified woman
in spanish-caressed her poodle on the park bench as we chewed
, drank and swallowed our noon time meal...i thought to
myself that she was rich...and maybe she would desire me
as her love slave...i could pretend that i was the poodle
and she could reward me with wine and cheese every day...i
could even learn how to crow like a poodle .
the problem with desire is that , if one truly desire something
enough , then there is a very good chance that one will
eventually get what one desires...this would be wonderful...yet
i have never met a human who actually knew what was good
for them...they function in life being consumed by two kinds
of grief...the grief of getting what one desires...and the
grief of not getting what one desires...both lead us to
emptiness...and , worse , attempting to perpetuate this
neurosis by filling ones self with more and more of the
same...around the mountain...like moses and his gang of
sluts throughout the wilderness...being driven by lust and
the quest to satisfy the lower nature...they were unable
to perceive the direction of their true salvation.
it is the spirit that knows all...whereas our mind and feelings
play tricks with the rest of our being...changing our goals
and our needs as the occasion deems fit...the spirit within
can actually hear from the spirit of god...guiding us into
a direction of truth and love and peace...leading us through
wonderful experiences along the way...experiences that we
were actually deemed to have had since the creation of the
universe...all necessary in terms of becoming fully and
completely human.
ultimately... it is love that must be lusted after...the
true healing thing in all circumstances...all else is a
deviation away from the ''true path''...love will never fail...it
will guide... protect and give what is needed...opposed to
what is believed to be needed.
that something was very wrong...it was difficult to discern
at first , but as the day licked its way into the noon hour
, froggy finally figured it out...it was salami and wine
time...(whenever i think of salami , i think of sex...my
first girlfriend would always eat german salami and cheap
cheese as she fidgeted with my nuts...i still dont know
why).
an old spanish blue hair troll-troll means dignified woman
in spanish-caressed her poodle on the park bench as we chewed
, drank and swallowed our noon time meal...i thought to
myself that she was rich...and maybe she would desire me
as her love slave...i could pretend that i was the poodle
and she could reward me with wine and cheese every day...i
could even learn how to crow like a poodle .
the problem with desire is that , if one truly desire something
enough , then there is a very good chance that one will
eventually get what one desires...this would be wonderful...yet
i have never met a human who actually knew what was good
for them...they function in life being consumed by two kinds
of grief...the grief of getting what one desires...and the
grief of not getting what one desires...both lead us to
emptiness...and , worse , attempting to perpetuate this
neurosis by filling ones self with more and more of the
same...around the mountain...like moses and his gang of
sluts throughout the wilderness...being driven by lust and
the quest to satisfy the lower nature...they were unable
to perceive the direction of their true salvation.
it is the spirit that knows all...whereas our mind and feelings
play tricks with the rest of our being...changing our goals
and our needs as the occasion deems fit...the spirit within
can actually hear from the spirit of god...guiding us into
a direction of truth and love and peace...leading us through
wonderful experiences along the way...experiences that we
were actually deemed to have had since the creation of the
universe...all necessary in terms of becoming fully and
completely human.
ultimately... it is love that must be lusted after...the
true healing thing in all circumstances...all else is a
deviation away from the ''true path''...love will never fail...it
will guide... protect and give what is needed...opposed to
what is believed to be needed.
Bastard Windows: Chapter Fifteen
on the beach...just like neil youngs 1973 masterpiece...most
of us are simply like the waves... forever reaching into
the distant landscape...never embracing the destination...never
attempting to change...to find a better and different pathway...maybe
the water should give up the fight...accept itself for what
it is and rest in a state of gentleness and humility.
before i had my second nervous breakdown...i used to play this
very interesting party trick...i would have someone-anyone-
tell me the name of someone that they knew... and i would
tell them virtually every thing about them...of course,
always being right.
the reason that i did this was the same reason that homosexuals
come out of "the closet"...i wanted acceptance of my true
self...my gifts...my flaws...everything that i was within...
what i didn't realize was that... after six or seven correct
readings... people would perceive me as " jesus christ all
mighty"...i just wanted to be accepted as another ass hole...but
with a gift of profound intuition...this would not happen
however...so those who perceived me as god...had no alternative
but to despise me after i tried to fuck myself over.
the interesting thing about humility is that it is such
a rare commodity in our society that nobody has a point
of reference to deal with it once it manifests itself...the
fact of the matter is that people will project upon you
their own motives for doing what you are doing ...that is
... to talk about your gifts will be seen as some type of
power trip by those who are into power trips...some sort
of ass backward way of putting someone down... by those who
lust after the reputations of others...and so on...fuck...i
honestly just wanted to be accepted for who i was...to me
there was very little else going on...i dont even understand
how the possession of a gift makes someone a better or
more spiritual person anyway...i just wanted to stop hiding.
of us are simply like the waves... forever reaching into
the distant landscape...never embracing the destination...never
attempting to change...to find a better and different pathway...maybe
the water should give up the fight...accept itself for what
it is and rest in a state of gentleness and humility.
before i had my second nervous breakdown...i used to play this
very interesting party trick...i would have someone-anyone-
tell me the name of someone that they knew... and i would
tell them virtually every thing about them...of course,
always being right.
the reason that i did this was the same reason that homosexuals
come out of "the closet"...i wanted acceptance of my true
self...my gifts...my flaws...everything that i was within...
what i didn't realize was that... after six or seven correct
readings... people would perceive me as " jesus christ all
mighty"...i just wanted to be accepted as another ass hole...but
with a gift of profound intuition...this would not happen
however...so those who perceived me as god...had no alternative
but to despise me after i tried to fuck myself over.
the interesting thing about humility is that it is such
a rare commodity in our society that nobody has a point
of reference to deal with it once it manifests itself...the
fact of the matter is that people will project upon you
their own motives for doing what you are doing ...that is
... to talk about your gifts will be seen as some type of
power trip by those who are into power trips...some sort
of ass backward way of putting someone down... by those who
lust after the reputations of others...and so on...fuck...i
honestly just wanted to be accepted for who i was...to me
there was very little else going on...i dont even understand
how the possession of a gift makes someone a better or
more spiritual person anyway...i just wanted to stop hiding.
Bastard Windows: Chapter Fourteen
it was seven in the morning when the train arrived at san
sabastian...they were piping classical music throughout
the streets... as if to cleans our souls of the sin of rock
and roll to begin the new day...i danced down the street
like a drunken member of the village people...not the cop
though...never the authority figure...i need acceptance
too much...i dont care if people think that i am gay...as
long as they know that i am not the law .
relating my dancing to life...isnt it strange that if we
dance one step , then every thing is fine...and if we dance
another...it isnt...fuck...its all dancing...why cant we
just dance the way we feel???
ultimately , people really dont care what is right wrong...they
care about what makes them feel comfortable...life is a
dance...you can do it in a way that is destructive as satan
with a hard-on...people dont really care...as long as they
can feel that they are familiar with the behavior...if they
are not...they will hate you .
it is my considered opinion that jesus christ caused more
shit raising people from the grave than he did telling religious
leaders to fuck themselves...everyone is used to the idea
of being told to fuck themselves...it is performing the
supernatural that we dont understand...it doesnt matter
if it is even too beautiful for words...it is different...hence
, people are terrified of it .
we are not as intelligent as we think we are...though humans
have come up with , from time to time , the most wonderful
ideas...the fact of the matter is that people generally
respond out of fear...the most demented and crippling of
emotions...which ultimately... makes us emotionally retarded...and
this is what rips our intellectual abilities into little
pieces...leading us into the direction of our extinction...not
our salvation...fear is the opposite of love...it cannot
produce life .
sabastian...they were piping classical music throughout
the streets... as if to cleans our souls of the sin of rock
and roll to begin the new day...i danced down the street
like a drunken member of the village people...not the cop
though...never the authority figure...i need acceptance
too much...i dont care if people think that i am gay...as
long as they know that i am not the law .
relating my dancing to life...isnt it strange that if we
dance one step , then every thing is fine...and if we dance
another...it isnt...fuck...its all dancing...why cant we
just dance the way we feel???
ultimately , people really dont care what is right wrong...they
care about what makes them feel comfortable...life is a
dance...you can do it in a way that is destructive as satan
with a hard-on...people dont really care...as long as they
can feel that they are familiar with the behavior...if they
are not...they will hate you .
it is my considered opinion that jesus christ caused more
shit raising people from the grave than he did telling religious
leaders to fuck themselves...everyone is used to the idea
of being told to fuck themselves...it is performing the
supernatural that we dont understand...it doesnt matter
if it is even too beautiful for words...it is different...hence
, people are terrified of it .
we are not as intelligent as we think we are...though humans
have come up with , from time to time , the most wonderful
ideas...the fact of the matter is that people generally
respond out of fear...the most demented and crippling of
emotions...which ultimately... makes us emotionally retarded...and
this is what rips our intellectual abilities into little
pieces...leading us into the direction of our extinction...not
our salvation...fear is the opposite of love...it cannot
produce life .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Thirteen
it was about four in the morning that froggie woke me from
my sleep...and he wasnt the kind of dildo that would wake
someone up just to tell him that he should be asleep either...indeed
not...froggie woke me to tell me something really important....that
he had drank my pint of rum...this did not bother me...what
did however was what followed...froggie proceeded to introduce
me to his new found drinking partner...this fellow looked
like a very nice fellow...but only because nice really means-
if you understand greek-ignorant and stupid-which would
have been his good qualities...this man was extremely dangerous...i
felt somewhat afraid and that i had lost control.
control is such an interesting thing...we all desire it
so much yet none of us have it...in fact , the closest
we can ever achieve is the illusion of control...that is
fucking ourselves around in our heads to such an extent
that we feel secure as a result of our own endeavors.
i once tried to help an old lady down a flight of stairs
with her groceries...she would not allow me to , however
, as she wanted to make sure that i did not attempt to take
her purse and run away laughing at her as i went...what
she failed to realize is that i could have waltzed up to
her , taken the purse out of her hands...shoved her lipstick
up her ass...crawled away on my knees...and there wouldnt
have been a thing that she could have done about it.
she did nothing to circumvent a potential situation...what
she did was create an illusion of control...passing on the
possibility of a new friendship simply so she could pretend
that she was safe .
i didnt fear too much over my friends new convict travel
companion...i truly believed that god would either protect
me or that i was destined for conflict...which meant that
fuck-face was probably going to be thrown off the train
into an unsuspecting patch of grapes...non-the-less...to
embrace reality is to feel completely insecure regarding
your safety within this universe...yet reality also points
to the existence of a god who , unlike us humans , is in
control...and ours is to just let it happen...to relax and
suck life in as it unfolds...knowing that there is a far
greater order to things than the disorder inside our heads.
my sleep...and he wasnt the kind of dildo that would wake
someone up just to tell him that he should be asleep either...indeed
not...froggie woke me to tell me something really important....that
he had drank my pint of rum...this did not bother me...what
did however was what followed...froggie proceeded to introduce
me to his new found drinking partner...this fellow looked
like a very nice fellow...but only because nice really means-
if you understand greek-ignorant and stupid-which would
have been his good qualities...this man was extremely dangerous...i
felt somewhat afraid and that i had lost control.
control is such an interesting thing...we all desire it
so much yet none of us have it...in fact , the closest
we can ever achieve is the illusion of control...that is
fucking ourselves around in our heads to such an extent
that we feel secure as a result of our own endeavors.
i once tried to help an old lady down a flight of stairs
with her groceries...she would not allow me to , however
, as she wanted to make sure that i did not attempt to take
her purse and run away laughing at her as i went...what
she failed to realize is that i could have waltzed up to
her , taken the purse out of her hands...shoved her lipstick
up her ass...crawled away on my knees...and there wouldnt
have been a thing that she could have done about it.
she did nothing to circumvent a potential situation...what
she did was create an illusion of control...passing on the
possibility of a new friendship simply so she could pretend
that she was safe .
i didnt fear too much over my friends new convict travel
companion...i truly believed that god would either protect
me or that i was destined for conflict...which meant that
fuck-face was probably going to be thrown off the train
into an unsuspecting patch of grapes...non-the-less...to
embrace reality is to feel completely insecure regarding
your safety within this universe...yet reality also points
to the existence of a god who , unlike us humans , is in
control...and ours is to just let it happen...to relax and
suck life in as it unfolds...knowing that there is a far
greater order to things than the disorder inside our heads.
Bastard Windows: Chapter Twelve
my new friend...who i refer to as my new special friend...was
named freddie...but i referred to him as froggie...not because
he was french...though he most certainly was...but because
he could jump really high and far...not that i ever saw
him jump at a11...he simply looks the type...you know ,
short stumpy legs that i am sure he was teased about all through
out grade school so he compensated by learning to jump really
really far.
froggie and i took the first night train we could find to
san sabastian in northern spain...we drank until we got
quite drunk...then , thank god , the train stopped long
enough for us to find some more beverages of an alcohol
content...we talked about the amazing lily pad that we refer
to as the universe...how big it is and how small we are
in comparison...or are we???
it is suggested that every point in the universe intersects
at every point that one could possibly imagine...therefore
it is quite possible that every truth that there is , not
only on a human level , but on an infinite scale that is
not only concerned with this dimension but possibly others
as well...is locked inside of who we are...ready and willing
to be embraced the moment that we stop resisting ourselves
and each other .
the resistance that i refer to is pride...that is , the
unwillingness of the conscious mind to accept the truth
of ones self as clearly stated in the subconscious mind...pride in essence , is afraid of the truth concerning ones self...forcing
it to hide and mutate into something even more destructive...as
it sees imperfection as its mortal enemy .
if the subconscious mind is not embraced , it will begin
to behave like an unloved child in fear of the truth being
found out about him...behavior will be erratic and even
uncontrollable...as the conscious mind so isolates its self
from the subconscious mind that it begins to loose even
the slightest understanding of why it is doing what it is
, in fact , doing...self justification , then , is the method
of perpetuating this process...while dancing with and even
copulating with its brother , pride...everything not only
begins to make sense and seem reasonable...but , at the
same time...they begin to form a new point of reference
to become the center of the universe...a new god if you
will...and it is referred to as : self.
inside the way of self...the two levels of mind no longer
have to understand each other...the truth that the subconscious
mind had to offer is now completely irrelevant...the conscious
mind has become completely self satisfied...and will dismiss
all opposition from now on...one of the benefits of being
a divinity.
and here enters the purpose of organized religion...if done
correctly...it can be used to justify anything...choose
the church that will help perpetuate the darkness within...it
is quite easy to find a clergy that will reinforce any neurotic
view that is conceivable within the context of the perversions
of the human mind...self righteousness is the perfection
of the church throughout the centuries...and the reason
is simply because...it makes money .
named freddie...but i referred to him as froggie...not because
he was french...though he most certainly was...but because
he could jump really high and far...not that i ever saw
him jump at a11...he simply looks the type...you know ,
short stumpy legs that i am sure he was teased about all through
out grade school so he compensated by learning to jump really
really far.
froggie and i took the first night train we could find to
san sabastian in northern spain...we drank until we got
quite drunk...then , thank god , the train stopped long
enough for us to find some more beverages of an alcohol
content...we talked about the amazing lily pad that we refer
to as the universe...how big it is and how small we are
in comparison...or are we???
it is suggested that every point in the universe intersects
at every point that one could possibly imagine...therefore
it is quite possible that every truth that there is , not
only on a human level , but on an infinite scale that is
not only concerned with this dimension but possibly others
as well...is locked inside of who we are...ready and willing
to be embraced the moment that we stop resisting ourselves
and each other .
the resistance that i refer to is pride...that is , the
unwillingness of the conscious mind to accept the truth
of ones self as clearly stated in the subconscious mind...pride in essence , is afraid of the truth concerning ones self...forcing
it to hide and mutate into something even more destructive...as
it sees imperfection as its mortal enemy .
if the subconscious mind is not embraced , it will begin
to behave like an unloved child in fear of the truth being
found out about him...behavior will be erratic and even
uncontrollable...as the conscious mind so isolates its self
from the subconscious mind that it begins to loose even
the slightest understanding of why it is doing what it is
, in fact , doing...self justification , then , is the method
of perpetuating this process...while dancing with and even
copulating with its brother , pride...everything not only
begins to make sense and seem reasonable...but , at the
same time...they begin to form a new point of reference
to become the center of the universe...a new god if you
will...and it is referred to as : self.
inside the way of self...the two levels of mind no longer
have to understand each other...the truth that the subconscious
mind had to offer is now completely irrelevant...the conscious
mind has become completely self satisfied...and will dismiss
all opposition from now on...one of the benefits of being
a divinity.
and here enters the purpose of organized religion...if done
correctly...it can be used to justify anything...choose
the church that will help perpetuate the darkness within...it
is quite easy to find a clergy that will reinforce any neurotic
view that is conceivable within the context of the perversions
of the human mind...self righteousness is the perfection
of the church throughout the centuries...and the reason
is simply because...it makes money .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Eleven
when i was nineteen years old i drove 240 miles one day
to take my girlfriend-a country gal-to see the box office
classic :"the elephant man''...i couldnt help but thinking
how beautiful she was in comparison...shit , she was beautiful
compared to anyone , really...the pain that he must have
had to have gone through...so different and so vulnerable...an
easy target , as he was a perfect display of how most feel
inside...to attack such a man would be to attack our own
fears...the fears that we attempt to hide like homosexual
feelings constantly being repressed into our blood stream
and pushed into the caverns of our souls...like the desire
to suck on a womans tit and pretend she is your mother nurturing
you in the way mom was supposed to yet never did .
''the elephant man''was a prophetic voice...revealing to us
the truth of our condition...how pathetic we really are...to
love such a man is the beginning of self love and discovery...to
despise him is to despise ones self...the judgment of god
is made manifest...to anyone with the wisdom to see it...and
with judgment is the possibility of healing...though this
road ls seldom embraced.
on the streets of the city of nice , i saw ''the elephant
man"...or at least one with the same affliction...his pain
i could actually feel 100 meters away...i wanted to take
his picture but my heart was too broken to lift the camera...when
i look out to the ocean i see my sadness...as i stare at
his broken , deformed , pulverized body i see my loneliness...yet
i am fully aware that this is not about merits... it is about someone
who will never be heard...and who probably has insights
that could cause the earth to shatter...he has seen what
the world is like when no one has anything at all to gain
by treating one with dignity...all by himself he has reduced
the human race to the very thing that most spend virtually
all their energy avoiding...reality...this man knows no
games of manipulation or of :"climbing the company ladder"...or
even of how to get fucked...he and his pain simply are...and
the rest of us have to deal with that .
at this time i felt god speak to me quite clearly...to the
train station i was supposed to go...quite specifically
, i was to meet someone in southern spain...this was his
will for me...yet as the trees and the villages passed by
the slightly dirt tainted window...i felt somewhat afraid...sort
of like i always do.
to take my girlfriend-a country gal-to see the box office
classic :"the elephant man''...i couldnt help but thinking
how beautiful she was in comparison...shit , she was beautiful
compared to anyone , really...the pain that he must have
had to have gone through...so different and so vulnerable...an
easy target , as he was a perfect display of how most feel
inside...to attack such a man would be to attack our own
fears...the fears that we attempt to hide like homosexual
feelings constantly being repressed into our blood stream
and pushed into the caverns of our souls...like the desire
to suck on a womans tit and pretend she is your mother nurturing
you in the way mom was supposed to yet never did .
''the elephant man''was a prophetic voice...revealing to us
the truth of our condition...how pathetic we really are...to
love such a man is the beginning of self love and discovery...to
despise him is to despise ones self...the judgment of god
is made manifest...to anyone with the wisdom to see it...and
with judgment is the possibility of healing...though this
road ls seldom embraced.
on the streets of the city of nice , i saw ''the elephant
man"...or at least one with the same affliction...his pain
i could actually feel 100 meters away...i wanted to take
his picture but my heart was too broken to lift the camera...when
i look out to the ocean i see my sadness...as i stare at
his broken , deformed , pulverized body i see my loneliness...yet
i am fully aware that this is not about merits... it is about someone
who will never be heard...and who probably has insights
that could cause the earth to shatter...he has seen what
the world is like when no one has anything at all to gain
by treating one with dignity...all by himself he has reduced
the human race to the very thing that most spend virtually
all their energy avoiding...reality...this man knows no
games of manipulation or of :"climbing the company ladder"...or
even of how to get fucked...he and his pain simply are...and
the rest of us have to deal with that .
at this time i felt god speak to me quite clearly...to the
train station i was supposed to go...quite specifically
, i was to meet someone in southern spain...this was his
will for me...yet as the trees and the villages passed by
the slightly dirt tainted window...i felt somewhat afraid...sort
of like i always do.
Bastard Windows: Chapter Ten
so there i was on a hill... licking the sky like a calf ,
her mothers dancing communist tit...minding my own business...getting
drunk with the carpenters...when , for some reason , i began
to stare at the toaster...wondering if it could make toast
light , dark and in between... wanting to take a closer
look at this wonderful appliance...! picked it up with my
left hand and began to fondle it with the other...slowly
at first...then faster and faster...then i looked behind
it for a brief second...just to check out the plug...and
there it was...a human bone...it was a nice looking bone...i
dont want to give you the wrong impression...but i couldnt
help but wonder what it was doing behind a toaster...was
it for stirring soup??? for beating a drum??? one of the carpenters
identified it as a female human bone...maybe the murderer
only killed girls...i would have to stop wearing my dress
, i thought...i had another thought as well...lets get the
fuck out of here!!!
the road to freedom began the next day and took about three
or four hours...the two carpenters...who became both good
friends and drinking buddies-there is a difference-drove
me back to the place that i began my trek...not my mothers
womb but the other place...a street with cars going back
and forth and the occasional flashing lights...probably
just to remind me of home...i was away from the porous cobble
stones cradled by upheaved rock couched by brilliantly patient
hands and designed into homes where people hugged ... screwed
and ate really fine pasta...such wonderful people a i concluded...but
now i was free .
in my freedom , i lost all the structure that gave me stability
in a place where i really didn't have any...i was free indeed...horrible
, horrible freedom...which made me both confused and very
confused..and what do we do when we get what we long for and
find out it has nothing in common with what we need??? project all our neurosis
upon someone else so we , once again , can simulate some sort of
self worth...the truth is that i was afraid..and not
wanting to own those feelings...i felt the need to be pissed
off at others .
her mothers dancing communist tit...minding my own business...getting
drunk with the carpenters...when , for some reason , i began
to stare at the toaster...wondering if it could make toast
light , dark and in between... wanting to take a closer
look at this wonderful appliance...! picked it up with my
left hand and began to fondle it with the other...slowly
at first...then faster and faster...then i looked behind
it for a brief second...just to check out the plug...and
there it was...a human bone...it was a nice looking bone...i
dont want to give you the wrong impression...but i couldnt
help but wonder what it was doing behind a toaster...was
it for stirring soup??? for beating a drum??? one of the carpenters
identified it as a female human bone...maybe the murderer
only killed girls...i would have to stop wearing my dress
, i thought...i had another thought as well...lets get the
fuck out of here!!!
the road to freedom began the next day and took about three
or four hours...the two carpenters...who became both good
friends and drinking buddies-there is a difference-drove
me back to the place that i began my trek...not my mothers
womb but the other place...a street with cars going back
and forth and the occasional flashing lights...probably
just to remind me of home...i was away from the porous cobble
stones cradled by upheaved rock couched by brilliantly patient
hands and designed into homes where people hugged ... screwed
and ate really fine pasta...such wonderful people a i concluded...but
now i was free .
in my freedom , i lost all the structure that gave me stability
in a place where i really didn't have any...i was free indeed...horrible
, horrible freedom...which made me both confused and very
confused..and what do we do when we get what we long for and
find out it has nothing in common with what we need??? project all our neurosis
upon someone else so we , once again , can simulate some sort of
self worth...the truth is that i was afraid..and not
wanting to own those feelings...i felt the need to be pissed
off at others .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Eight
an old man that i met on the cobble stone street one day
invited me to his house during a work break...he was just
like every other old man save he was mentally challenged
... he couldnt talk a single word of any language and he had
a strange habit collecting old ironing boards and painting
pictures of elton john on the cotton...he obviously had
never felt much love for years...maybe never...people desire
their children to be better than them...not just because
they love them-though this is often a very prominent reason- but
because they want to live thru their lives vicariously...they
want their children to meet the needs that were never met
in their childhood...i heard a story once where a baby was
born emotionally and physically deformed...the father turned
to the mother and said..."this one needs our love even more"...this
, of course , seldom happens...imperfection reminds us too
much of the turmoil within our own lives...furthermore...
we can never give a love that hasnt been deposited to us
somewhere down the road prior to the time it is needed to
be given to another.
the old man offered me a glass of wine from a dirty , cracked
cup...i could see his fragile , broken face as i looked
thru the glass...he was beautiful...god loves the broken
hearted...if the wine tasted like piss...then piss never
tasted so good...in his brokenness i was given the gift
of friendship.
some people never learn what is really important in life
until all is taken away...even then , most simply decide
to explore the wonderful world of bitterness...in the west
... we are taught that love is negotiable...and laying our
lives down for one another is insanity...yet this old cocksucker
had a sincere affection for me...in gods eyes his
kingdom probably covered half way across europe...i found
new jerusalem on his living room floor...and the insects
were no less than prize racing horses...the crumbs they
were carrying back to the holes in the fragmented , tattered
walls...chariots made of silver and gold...each with a bumper
sticker that read :"beware of the whore of babylon".
i said good-by to the kind , sad gent...he replied :''eeeee''...then
, as i walked away , i saw an old house cat that thought
he was a farm cat...(i know these things)...and i thought
to myself...he is probably not half as confused as the rest
of us ...he ate his spaghetti...i walked away to find some
more wine
invited me to his house during a work break...he was just
like every other old man save he was mentally challenged
... he couldnt talk a single word of any language and he had
a strange habit collecting old ironing boards and painting
pictures of elton john on the cotton...he obviously had
never felt much love for years...maybe never...people desire
their children to be better than them...not just because
they love them-though this is often a very prominent reason- but
because they want to live thru their lives vicariously...they
want their children to meet the needs that were never met
in their childhood...i heard a story once where a baby was
born emotionally and physically deformed...the father turned
to the mother and said..."this one needs our love even more"...this
, of course , seldom happens...imperfection reminds us too
much of the turmoil within our own lives...furthermore...
we can never give a love that hasnt been deposited to us
somewhere down the road prior to the time it is needed to
be given to another.
the old man offered me a glass of wine from a dirty , cracked
cup...i could see his fragile , broken face as i looked
thru the glass...he was beautiful...god loves the broken
hearted...if the wine tasted like piss...then piss never
tasted so good...in his brokenness i was given the gift
of friendship.
some people never learn what is really important in life
until all is taken away...even then , most simply decide
to explore the wonderful world of bitterness...in the west
... we are taught that love is negotiable...and laying our
lives down for one another is insanity...yet this old cocksucker
had a sincere affection for me...in gods eyes his
kingdom probably covered half way across europe...i found
new jerusalem on his living room floor...and the insects
were no less than prize racing horses...the crumbs they
were carrying back to the holes in the fragmented , tattered
walls...chariots made of silver and gold...each with a bumper
sticker that read :"beware of the whore of babylon".
i said good-by to the kind , sad gent...he replied :''eeeee''...then
, as i walked away , i saw an old house cat that thought
he was a farm cat...(i know these things)...and i thought
to myself...he is probably not half as confused as the rest
of us ...he ate his spaghetti...i walked away to find some
more wine
Bastard Windows: Chapter Seven
the people that i was staying with in the mansion on the
hill were from northern europe and very stupid...not that
people from northern europe are generally less intelligent...in
fact , these two guys just may be the dumbest of the lot...they
would watch me toil in the garden all day long as they complained
about how hot it was...''fuck'', they would say...''it sure
is fuckin' hot''...i would try to pretend that i wasnt completely
pissed-off at the situation , but probably didnt fool
anyone...especially myself.
the problem with me is that i take life too personally...when
people are lazy... i feel that its because i did something
wrong...when they are angry with me its because i am a
bad person...i find it difficult to let things go...the
universe ebbs and flows... and people are saints and ass
holes...the entire thing usually has nothing to do with
me .
i am an extremely unique control freak...never controlling
peoples behavior...yet feeling that if i can be good enough
they will surely behave properly...they dont...so i keep
behaving better and better...until i eventually am totally
exhausted or have a nervous breakdown...if gods love cant
compel us into a better way of life then surely i dont
have a chance .
i pleaded for love as a child...i remember once after my
father beat my mother to the ground with his fists...he
summoned my brother to kick her as she remained motionless...they
both laughed like they were watching a richard pryor video...i
, at the age of seven or eight , looked on in horror...my
wounds go deeper...the first time i ever attempted suicide
i was six years old...i held my fathers hunting knife to
my throat and began to push the blade against my skin like
a stereo needle against the latest beatles album...it was
then that i heard gods voice for the first time...he told
me that it would be all right...god obviously didnt know
my father .
come night , the two ignorant little northern fellows and
myself , drank a few bottles of wine and talked about the
finer things in life...like how to rid your house of rats
and other such critters...and more importantly...how to
open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew...with an upside
down nail and a hammer we finally have success...these
guys were not that bad after all...they even believed in
the existence of big foot and alien life...what more could
you want in a casual conversation .
hill were from northern europe and very stupid...not that
people from northern europe are generally less intelligent...in
fact , these two guys just may be the dumbest of the lot...they
would watch me toil in the garden all day long as they complained
about how hot it was...''fuck'', they would say...''it sure
is fuckin' hot''...i would try to pretend that i wasnt completely
pissed-off at the situation , but probably didnt fool
anyone...especially myself.
the problem with me is that i take life too personally...when
people are lazy... i feel that its because i did something
wrong...when they are angry with me its because i am a
bad person...i find it difficult to let things go...the
universe ebbs and flows... and people are saints and ass
holes...the entire thing usually has nothing to do with
me .
i am an extremely unique control freak...never controlling
peoples behavior...yet feeling that if i can be good enough
they will surely behave properly...they dont...so i keep
behaving better and better...until i eventually am totally
exhausted or have a nervous breakdown...if gods love cant
compel us into a better way of life then surely i dont
have a chance .
i pleaded for love as a child...i remember once after my
father beat my mother to the ground with his fists...he
summoned my brother to kick her as she remained motionless...they
both laughed like they were watching a richard pryor video...i
, at the age of seven or eight , looked on in horror...my
wounds go deeper...the first time i ever attempted suicide
i was six years old...i held my fathers hunting knife to
my throat and began to push the blade against my skin like
a stereo needle against the latest beatles album...it was
then that i heard gods voice for the first time...he told
me that it would be all right...god obviously didnt know
my father .
come night , the two ignorant little northern fellows and
myself , drank a few bottles of wine and talked about the
finer things in life...like how to rid your house of rats
and other such critters...and more importantly...how to
open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew...with an upside
down nail and a hammer we finally have success...these
guys were not that bad after all...they even believed in
the existence of big foot and alien life...what more could
you want in a casual conversation .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Six
thru a variety of somewhat strange and bizarre circumstances...i
found myself working for a sort of unforced labor camp
on the top of a mountain about twenty miles from where i
originally was in italy...it was a castle like building
that was being renovated into its former glory by someone
who will remain nameless...i was to move things from one
place to another for the purpose of knowing that where they
were...they werent any longer .
i woke up one morning to piss out of the back window to
make a somewhat disturbing discovery...there was a house
missing from my view down the hill...two instead of three
houses were now in sight...this was indeed quite a discovery...even
my urine was in awe...i could tell as it drifted down three
stories counter clockwise instead of clockwise .
it seems to be so strange talking about such things...the
fact of the matter is however that virtually nothing is
the way that it seems...love relationships being glorified
by society and family are found to be no more than people
falling in love with the way someone makes them feel about
themselves...most relationships are actually masturbation
in the most unhealthy sense possible...someone gratifying
themselves by using the mind , body , spirit and soul of
another...two usually do not become one...as so few people
ever learn to see beyond themselves in any respect...masturbation
is fine when it is an act of honesty...done by ones self
for the purpose of pleasing ones self...and maybe the reason
why fundamentalist religion is against such things is because
they really dont want to have much to do with anything that
represents even the most remote aspect of integrity .
as for the house...in a few hours it reappeared..once i
had a demon appear to me and tell me that its purpose was
to destroy my life...ive been poisoned by satanists and
cursed by cu1ts...i once ran over a twenty foot black snake
that refused to go thud , thud under my wheels...the fact
that things arent what they appear to be is a known fact
in almost every culture in the world...save those that worship
money and success as primary gods...the devil has a much
more devious plan for such people .
found myself working for a sort of unforced labor camp
on the top of a mountain about twenty miles from where i
originally was in italy...it was a castle like building
that was being renovated into its former glory by someone
who will remain nameless...i was to move things from one
place to another for the purpose of knowing that where they
were...they werent any longer .
i woke up one morning to piss out of the back window to
make a somewhat disturbing discovery...there was a house
missing from my view down the hill...two instead of three
houses were now in sight...this was indeed quite a discovery...even
my urine was in awe...i could tell as it drifted down three
stories counter clockwise instead of clockwise .
it seems to be so strange talking about such things...the
fact of the matter is however that virtually nothing is
the way that it seems...love relationships being glorified
by society and family are found to be no more than people
falling in love with the way someone makes them feel about
themselves...most relationships are actually masturbation
in the most unhealthy sense possible...someone gratifying
themselves by using the mind , body , spirit and soul of
another...two usually do not become one...as so few people
ever learn to see beyond themselves in any respect...masturbation
is fine when it is an act of honesty...done by ones self
for the purpose of pleasing ones self...and maybe the reason
why fundamentalist religion is against such things is because
they really dont want to have much to do with anything that
represents even the most remote aspect of integrity .
as for the house...in a few hours it reappeared..once i
had a demon appear to me and tell me that its purpose was
to destroy my life...ive been poisoned by satanists and
cursed by cu1ts...i once ran over a twenty foot black snake
that refused to go thud , thud under my wheels...the fact
that things arent what they appear to be is a known fact
in almost every culture in the world...save those that worship
money and success as primary gods...the devil has a much
more devious plan for such people .
Bastard Windows: Chapter Five
in a small town in northern italy i was hired to teach english
for the summer...i met my employer and then quit my job...i
didnt trust him...i had a bad feeling...who can have power
and not abuse it??? certainly not elfucko...elfucko-the name
by which i affectionately refer to him as-was going to abuse
his power...and i knew it.
power is basically the ability to get what one desires in
life...the actualization of the state of the inner man...when
one acquires power one is soon to have manifest the horrific
nightmare that is inside the hearts of most of us...only
with great effort is one able to resolve this inner darkness
to the place where it will no longer physically manifest
itself if given the opportunity.
the buddha teaches us that desire is evil and that we therefore
must not desire because it leads us into all sorts of shit...power
then is essentially being pulled in the exact opposite direction...making
opportunity for self satisfaction to be virtually impossible
to embrace...where there is power you will virtually always
find money and sex...and much of it...maybe this is simply
gods curse...being so fed up with people that he gives them
over to the perversions that they long for...allowing them
in turn to destroy their relationships and every thing else
...allowing only the appearance of wealth to
remain...maybe , save a miracle , there is inevitably an
inverted equation between the appearance of ones life and
the pain that is within...regardless if one is or is not
in touch with that pain.
after telling elfucko that i wouldnt work for him for the
next three months...he breathed a sigh of relief and toasted
me as we drank the night away along with the other employees
of his program on the italian riviera...now i could drink
as much as i wanted and not be worried about being watched...the
wine was dry and my inhibitions were washed like the waves
over the naked bodies just a few miles down the coast...like
breasts being casually taken by the current...my mind and
body and words were now free the experience and experiment...a
beautiful irish girl sat before me...her hair wrapped around
the brown long bottle of medium-dry...in very much the same
way i desired to place my fingers around her face...within
an hour i said to her : "if i ever get the guts to fall
in love again...i hope she is someone just like you".
for the summer...i met my employer and then quit my job...i
didnt trust him...i had a bad feeling...who can have power
and not abuse it??? certainly not elfucko...elfucko-the name
by which i affectionately refer to him as-was going to abuse
his power...and i knew it.
power is basically the ability to get what one desires in
life...the actualization of the state of the inner man...when
one acquires power one is soon to have manifest the horrific
nightmare that is inside the hearts of most of us...only
with great effort is one able to resolve this inner darkness
to the place where it will no longer physically manifest
itself if given the opportunity.
the buddha teaches us that desire is evil and that we therefore
must not desire because it leads us into all sorts of shit...power
then is essentially being pulled in the exact opposite direction...making
opportunity for self satisfaction to be virtually impossible
to embrace...where there is power you will virtually always
find money and sex...and much of it...maybe this is simply
gods curse...being so fed up with people that he gives them
over to the perversions that they long for...allowing them
in turn to destroy their relationships and every thing else
...allowing only the appearance of wealth to
remain...maybe , save a miracle , there is inevitably an
inverted equation between the appearance of ones life and
the pain that is within...regardless if one is or is not
in touch with that pain.
after telling elfucko that i wouldnt work for him for the
next three months...he breathed a sigh of relief and toasted
me as we drank the night away along with the other employees
of his program on the italian riviera...now i could drink
as much as i wanted and not be worried about being watched...the
wine was dry and my inhibitions were washed like the waves
over the naked bodies just a few miles down the coast...like
breasts being casually taken by the current...my mind and
body and words were now free the experience and experiment...a
beautiful irish girl sat before me...her hair wrapped around
the brown long bottle of medium-dry...in very much the same
way i desired to place my fingers around her face...within
an hour i said to her : "if i ever get the guts to fall
in love again...i hope she is someone just like you".
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