chapter 15

on the beach...just like neil youngs 1973 masterpiece...most
of us are simply like the waves... forever reaching into
the distant landscape...never embracing the destination...never
attempting to change...to find a better and different pathway...maybe
the water should give up the fight...accept itself for what
it is and rest in a state of gentleness and humility.

before i had my second nervous breakdown...i used to play this
very interesting party trick...i would have someone-anyone-
tell me the name of someone that they knew... and i would
tell them virtually every thing about them...of course,
always being right.

the reason that i did this was the same reason that homosexuals
come out of "the closet"...i wanted acceptance of my true
self...my gifts...my flaws...everything that i was within...
what i didn't realize was that... after six or seven correct
readings... people would perceive me as " jesus christ all
mighty"...i just wanted to be accepted as another ass hole...but
with a gift of profound intuition...this would not happen
however...so those who perceived me as god...had no alternative
but to despise me after i tried to fuck myself over.

the interesting thing about humility is that it is such
a rare commodity in our society that nobody has a point
of reference to deal with it once it manifests itself...the
fact of the matter is that people will project upon you
their own motives for doing what you are doing ...that is
... to talk about your gifts will be seen as some type of
power trip by those who are into power trips...some sort
of ass backward way of putting someone down... by those who
lust after the reputations of others...and so on...fuck...i
honestly just wanted to be accepted for who i was...to me
there was very little else going on...i dont even understand
how the possession of a gift makes someone a better or
more spiritual person anyway...i just wanted to stop hiding. .