chapter 19

for whatever reason...i took the first train in the morning
back to nice...i wanted to escape home.

the train rolled down the tracks as the spanish wine rolled
down my throat...tickling my tongue , washing the strong
swiss cheese as i consumed it as the world consumes innocence...why
was i so scared??? and why does being scared scare me so
much???

the problem with being an abused child is that one believes
the abuse one suffered is , in fact , real in nature and
essence...it aint...only love is real...therefore , all
darkness that comes against us is a lie...and the rejection
that physical and emotional abuse represent...lies.

the beautiful truth about us all is that we are priceless
and loved by god...however , the normal human psychology
is consumed with untruths regarding its place in the universe...and
it is a response to these lies which usually wins out .

the result is that almost the entire world and its personalities
are based on lies...what people do , feel and say are not
founded upon any thing but anger , hurt and pain and such...meaning
, therefore , when the world comes to an end...and all that
is left is what is true and real...virtually nothing will
remain .

there is no hell in the traditional sense of the word...jesus
was referring to a place outside the city of jerusalem where
the garbage was burned...the concept that we are so familiar
with is simply instigated by religious authorities to control
the masses...the truth of the matter is that , come the
end , only what ls done in love will survive...all else
is gone forever...words , people , beliefs and incidents.

i did not overcome my fears...instead, concluded that they
werent me...they were lies to destroy a valuable part of
who i was and who l was meant to become...they were voices
from my childhood...lies told me by an insane person...i
accepted them as such...discerned them from my true self...and
bought myself a big fucking bottle of cheap french wine...time
to look at some more beautiful french tits.